


Funny Thing

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band), The Voice (Ireland) RPF
Genre: F/M, Gender or Sex Swap, M/M, Porn with Feelings, Sexual Content, mentions of Harry Styles/Niall Horan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-16
Updated: 2014-06-16
Packaged: 2018-02-04 20:37:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1792435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“Nialler,” Louis says sharply, just as Liam flips him over and pins him down. “For fucks sake, Niall, your tits are out.” </i>
</p><p>  <i>Niall stops struggling against Liam’s bulging biceps and finally looks up. It’s just him and the lads, but Bressie’s sandwiched on one of the couches between Zayn and Louis; his mouth is dropped open and his eyes are glued to Niall’s chest. </i></p><p>  <i>It’s possible Niall’s completely forgotten that he’s turned into a girl. </i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Funny Thing

**Author's Note:**

> Somehow even though I have actual stories with plotlines and content in the works, I keep writing ridiculous het porn with Niall. As you do. I know Bressie wasn't at Croke Park, but Niall also wasn't a girl, so. Artistic liberties. 
> 
> Unbeta-ed, so please tell me about any mistakes.

Niall’s completely forgotten about it. They’ve just played Croke Park for the last night, coupled with Radio 1’s Big Weekend the other morning, and Niall’s riding on the high of it all. 

He tears off his sweat stained vest and flings it at Harry, whooping all the while. “Croke Park!” he cheers, before tackling Liam around the knees and bringing the both of them to floor. He cackles when Liam _oofs_ , clearly losing his breath. “We slayed it, lads!” 

“Geroff,” Liam says, struggling, but Niall’s got him pinned. 

“Niall,” Harry says slowly, tossing his shirt back into the mix. Niall ignores it in favor of tickling Liam, who starts writhing underneath him. 

“Nialler,” Louis says sharply, just as Liam flips him over and pins him down. “For fucks sake, Niall, your tits are out.” 

Niall stops struggling against Liam’s bulging biceps and finally looks up. It’s just him and the lads, but Bressie’s sandwiched on one of the couches between Zayn and Louis; his mouth is dropped open and his eyes are glued to Niall’s chest. 

It’s possible Niall’s completely forgotten that he’s turned into a girl. 

-

“It happened a few months ago,” Niall says cheerfully, pulling on a clean vest. “Just woke up like this. Funny thing.” 

“A few months,” Bressie repeats weakly. 

“I said it was probably voodoo or an ancient Chinese curse or summat,” Louis sniffs, “but Liam unjustifiably called me racist-”

“It was justified,” Liam interrupts earnestly. 

“-so we still have no clue what’s happened.” Louis finishes. 

“I still think it’s a Freaky Friday thing,” Zayn says. 

“Haven’t switched bodies with anyone,” Niall points out right away, not for the first time. 

“Maybe it’s a body from a different universe,” Harry says, fingers steepled together as he peers at Niall. “And some girl Niall woke up in our Niall’s body.” 

They’ve gone over all of these theories a half dozen times aready, and Bressie’s looking fainter every time one of them speaks, so Niall muscles his way onto the sofa and half climbs into Bressie’s lap. 

“No matter,” he says. “Head, there’s this pub just down the road thought we might try out.” 

“You’re a bird,” Bressie says dazedly. “Y’can’t go out in public. Can ye?” 

“M’still a lad,” Niall shrugs. “I’ve just got this body right now. S’fine. My tits are too small for much fuss, anyhow, I’ll just throw on a bra. I do it all the time.” 

Bressie’s eyes drop down to Niall’s chest, where his nipples are clearly erect. Niall’s not got much shame in them; he figures it’s no different from his normal body, but Bressie’s gaze feels more weighted than any of the other lads. He’s suddenly very aware of the shift of fabric against his tits, the way it catches around his nipples when he moves. 

“I’m still,” Bressie starts, then stops. “I don’t - I feel a bit gone in the head.” 

“It’s all dodgy,” Niall agrees. “I’ve just had time to get used to it, I s’pose. C’mon to the hotel, we’ll stay in. I’m proper famous now, I can probably get a coupla pints delivered to the room.” 

“Okay,” Bressie says rather dumbly, and Niall just pats his leg and gives him time to catch up. 

Getting out of the venue is always a madhouse, so it’s getting late by the time they make it back to the hotel. The boys all branch off to their rooms, and Bressie follows Niall back to his, still conspicuously quiet. 

“M’starved,” Niall says straight away, heading for the phone. “Want anything? They make a killer burger.” 

“Sure,” Bressie agrees, eyes roaming around the room. 

Niall rings for the food, then convinces them to send up a bottle of whiskey with it. When he hangs up it looks like Bressie’s staring at his clothes, eyes stuck on something. 

“Oh,” Niall laughs in sudden realization. He picks up the red lacy knickers and tosses them from hand to hand. “Louis slipped it in me things when it first happened, thought it’d be a good laugh.” 

“Ah,” Bressie says faintly. 

Niall’s got a bruised-like feeling in the pit of his stomach; he hadn’t thought that Bres would be this weird about the whole thing, but then again, Liam wouldn’t look him in the eye for the first week after it happened, and Zayn still gets quiet sometimes when Niall jokes about his tits or cunt. Bressie, though, Bressie’s always seemed solid, like he can take anything in stride. It makes Niall feel jittery and nervous that he’s having trouble wrapping his head around it. 

“You can go,” Niall offers, keeping his tone light. “If it’s all a bit too warped for you. I won’t keep ya.” 

“D’ye want me to go?” Bressie asks quietly. He’s stopped staring at the lace Niall’s still clutching, and is looking at his face now. Niall wets his lips. 

“Nah,” he says. “But I understand if you do.” 

Bressie runs a hand over his face, looking bushed. “I’m getting used to it,” is all he says. 

“Right,” Niall says agreeably, his stomach twisting. “I’m gonna shower, then. Make yerself at home.” 

He stares at himself in the mirror after he starts running the water, wondering what Bressie sees when he looks at him. Niall knows he doesn’t look that much different, as a girl. His legs are a little thinner, his hips just a bit wider and his shoulders narrower, and his tits are small enough that he can wear a sports bra onstage under his shirts and no one can tell the difference. He thinks his face looks different - his jaw and nose are thinner, and his eyelashes are long and curve up, which he thought girls had to use beauty instruments for - but no one else’s said anything, so he figures it’s just because he’s used to his own face that he can categorize the differences. His hair’s the exact same, though, which he’s glad for, because he has no idea what he’d do if it’d turned long. Cut it all off right away, he supposes. 

His voice has barely changed, for Christs’ sake. 

He steps into the shower and lets the hot water sluice over him. He idly thinks about fingering himself, but he’s learned that standing can’t get him the right angle, plus Bressie’s right outside the door. 

One thing about the change is that he’s been wanking a lot more, which is saying a lot considering how much he’d wanked before. 

He’s just scrubbing shampoo out of his hair when Bressie knocks tentatively and says through the door, “Food’s here, chief.” 

“Right out,” Niall calls. He curses when he steps out of the shower, because he’s forgotten to bring his clothes in with him. 

Bressie looks up when he walks into the room, then does an about face when he sees Niall’s just got towel slung around his waist. Niall rolls his eyes. “It’s like you’ve never seen tits before.” 

“Not on you,” Bressie counters. He waits while Niall’s slipped into worn trackies and a sports bra, and only turns around when Niall says, in exasperation, “S’safe now.” 

Niall practically inhales his burger and chips, and pours himself a couple fingers of whiskey before he says anything. “You’re acting like a right tit.” 

Bressie chokes on the bite that he’s just taken, and Niall patiently waits for him to stop coughing. It’s shit, is what it is; Bressie’s one of his best mates, and he’s acting like he and Niall’ve never met before. He waits it out as Bressie takes a few drinks of water, then knocks back his glass of whiskey before pouring another. He nudges Niall’s glass closer with his knuckles, and Niall grudgingly uncrosses his arms and takes the proffered drink. 

“I know it’s odd,” Niall says quietly, when Bressie still doesn’t say anything. “But I thought… we’ve been talking more, lately, and I thought you’d be different about it.” 

Bressie sighs. “We have been talking more,” he agrees. “I had, well, I had a plan tonight, is all, and now it’s gone pear-shaped.” 

“And you’re acting a tit,” Niall says again, but he swings his legs up onto the sofa and pushes his toes against Bressie’s thigh in a peace offering. 

“I am,” Bressie acknowledges. “You said it’s been months.” 

Niall counts back in his head. “About three.” 

“You didn’t say anything? We’ve been texting near everyday, and we’ve rung a few times in the past months, and you never said anything.” 

“It’s a bit hard,” Niall says defensively. “Yeah, mate, I’m alright, me cock’s disappeared but nothing else is new. Would you’ve believed me?” 

Bressie seems to collapse in on himself, sagging into the couch. It pushes his leg against Niall’s foot, and Niall takes the opportunity to wiggle his toes underneath his thigh. It’s massive, all hard muscle, and Niall looks down at his own skinny legs wistfully, knowing that even normal he’d be tiny compared to Bressie. 

“What was this plan, then?” Niall asks. 

“You don’t want t’hear about that,” Bressie says quickly. He takes another drink of whiskey. 

“C’mon,” Niall whines. He wiggles down and pushes his knee into Bressie’s side, hoping to get a laugh. Instead Bressie stares down at his legs, still covered in a light dusting of hair, before jerking his eyes back up to Niall’s face. “I tried to shave,” Niall tells him ruefully, “‘bout bled out nicking meself.” 

Bressie nods a little. 

“Tell me the plan,” Niall cajoles. 

“You’ll not drop it, then.” Bressie sounds defeated. 

“You brought it up,” Niall reminds him. “I’ll drop it, if you want.” 

Bressie sighs again and turns towards him, dislodging Niall’s legs. “I’m not gay,” he starts, then stops and shakes his head. “I sound like an eejit.” 

“Yep,” Niall tells him, laughing a little. 

“I’ve been thinking lately,” Bressie says slowly, “about that. About how maybe I’m wrong about that.” 

Niall feels a flush spreading across his chest. Bressie knows that he shags blokes sometimes, but Niall’s not sure if he can handle coaching Bres through a gay crisis, not with the amount of times he’s wanked thinking about Bressie holding him down. “Alright,” he says cautiously. 

Bressie looks shook. “I’ve been thinking about you,” he says low. 

It’s like he’s been doused in cold water. “Okay,” he says dumbly. 

“I’ve been - I’ve never thought about blokes before,” Bressie says shakily. “But I can’t stop thinking of ya, chief.” Niall’s staring. He more than likely looks off his nut, but he’s afraid that if he looks away from Bressie it’ll all be over. “I’ve been psyching meself up about it, about you-” he waves a large hand towards Niall like that can encompass what he means. “I’d just wrapped my mind around liking dick, and now you don’t, you don’t have one.” 

“Nope,” Niall says mechanically. 

“Y’could say something about it all,” Bressie says roughly. He’s poised on the edge of the seat like he’s about to bolt. 

“Bres,” Niall inches closer, “are you taking the piss?” Bressie looks nauseated, but he doesn’t move away. “Because you’ve been on my mind for years.” 

“Y’never said,” Bres says.

“You’re straight,” Niall says helplessly. “I mean. Are ya?” 

“I don’t know,” Bressie says. “Thinking about other blokes doesn’t do it for me,” Niall feels his heart stop; he feels like he’s on a rollercoaster, “but you, Ni, you do it for me.” 

“You do it for me, too,” Niall says. Bressie laughs and looks away. “Should be easier.” 

“What’s that?” 

“I’ve got a cunt now,” Niall says, causing Bressie to choke on the sip of whiskey he’s just taken. “Y’said you were psyching yourself up for my dick, and now you don’t hafta.” 

“I’ve been thinking about it all night,” Bressie admits. He won’t look at him. “Before, I wanted to,” he trails off. 

“Wanted to what?” Niall moves even closer, curling around himself until he can get a hand on Bressie’s thigh. It trembles at his touch. 

“I wanted to touch you,” Bressie says, watching Niall’s hand inch its way along the inseam of his trousers. Niall can feel himself turning red. “I thought about wanking you, getting my hand around your prick.” 

“Jesus,” Niall mutters. If he still had his cock he’d be chubbed up by now. 

“You’re so small,” Bressie continues, like he can’t help himself. “I’d be able to hoist you right up and fuck you against a wall.” 

“You can do that,” Niall’s quick to point out. “Now, or anytime. You can do that.” Niall brushes his hand against Bressie’s tented trousers, feeling the bulge of him. “I bet your cock is huge. I bet you’d split me apart.” 

Bressie moans, shifting his hips like he wants to thrust up into Niall’s hand. Niall draws his hand away so he can swing his legs to straddle Bressie’s thighs. 

“D’ya think it’s my fault?” Bressie asks quietly. Even seated on his lap Niall’s still only eye height with him. 

“What?” Niall asks absently. He’s trying to figure out where to settle his hands; he ends up unbuttoning Bressie’s shirt, enjoying the burr of chest hair that’s being slowly uncovered. 

“I spent so long trying to figure you out,” Bressie says, voice even more hushed so that Niall’s almost straining to hear him. “I can’t say there weren’t times I didn’t wish you were a bird.” 

Niall can’t help the laugh that flies out. “Are you saying,” he chokes out, trying not to look at Bressie’s bemused and vaguely offended face for fear of completely cracking, “are you asking if you magically gave me a cunt?” 

“Ya got it somehow,” Bressie says defensively, hands coming up to bracket Niall’s hips. 

“Bres,” Niall says seriously once he’s calmed down. “D’ya want to fuck me with a cunt?” 

“Yes,” Bressie says instantly. 

“D’ya want to fuck me with a cock?” 

“Yeah, fuck yeah,” Bressie breathes. 

“Then I don’t think this is your fault,” Niall says. He gently untucks Bressie’s shirt and starts to push it off his shoulders. “Jesus, you’re fucking massive.” 

“What if you never turn back?” Bressie asks, his thumbs digging into Niall’s thighs. 

“Then I’ll be more worried about getting pregnant than I was before,” Niall says flippantly. He doesn’t want to think about that right now. Then again, he’s been putting off thinking about it since he woke up a few months ago. Best to make light of it, in case the worst happens. 

Bressie looks at him aghast. “You’re on the rag?” 

“Great foreplay,” Niall says. “Nothing gets me in the mood like talking ‘bout periods.” 

“But -”

“I’m not on it now,” Niall says loudly. “Am I sitting on your lap for nothing?” To make his point he wiggles his bum.

Bressie laughs a little, almost pained, before grabbing Niall’s arse and hauling him up. Niall clutches at his shoulders automatically, but Bressie’s grip is strong and sure as he strides over to the bed. He practically throws Niall dead center. 

There’s a fizzing in Niall’s stomach, a bubbling under his skin like champagne running through his veins. He’s only hooked up with guys a few times while on tour, and he can’t lie about the fact that they’ve all been significantly bigger than him. Niall hadn’t been lying about thinking of him for years, but he figures that now isn’t the time to confess he’s been half in love with Bressie that whole time. 

“Get on with ya, head,” Niall says. Bressie’s just standing over him, eyes hungry as he looks him over. 

“Get your kit off,” Bressie says. It sends a shiver through Niall. 

He’s quick to whip off the bra and wriggle out of his trackies. Bressie’s still standing at the foot of the bed, fully clothed, so Niall rolls his eyes and moves his hands in a _get on with it_ motion.

“Not how I thought tonight would go,” Bressie admits. “Gotta give me a sec, chief.” 

“Guess I’ll just start without you,” Niall says, and reaches down to start playing with his clit. 

“You’re a fucking menace,” Bressie groans. He strips off his shirt and trousers and quirks an eyebrow at Niall. 

“Pants, too,” Niall demands. Bressie rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling as he steps out of his pants. 

His prick is halfway hard, just beginning to flush darkly. Bressie brings a hand down to lightly tug at it, and the sight makes Niall’s stomach bottom out. “Christ, I want you in me,” he blurts out. 

Bressie swallows. “Yeah,” he agrees thickly. “Can I - do you want me to eat you out?” 

The thought of Bressie’s head buried between his legs is nice, but Niall wants to have his cock back for that. “Nah,” he shrugs, his tits jiggling slightly. “S’not my thing.” 

Bressie plants himself on the bed, leaning over Niall on all fours. His cock is almost hitting Niall in the stomach, and Niall can’t stop sneaking glances at it. “Not your thing?” 

“I’ve tried it with Harry,” Niall says. “S’too, I dunno, wet. I like fingers better.” 

“Can we please not talk about you and other people right now?” Bressie asks, a wrinkle appearing between his eyebrows. Niall wants to smooth it away with his tongue. It’s possible he’s a little fucked when it comes to Bressie. 

“Fingers,” Niall repeats. “Show me what you can do, then.” 

Bressie settles next to him, leaning on one arm. He brings his other hand to rest on Niall’s stomach, and they both watch as he slowly slides it down into Niall’s dark patch of curls. 

Niall’s breath catches as Bressie finds his clit right away. Sex as a woman is so different, and Niall’s honestly not sure which he likes better. Right now the pleasure rolls through him like waves, and he can’t help the small whimpers that he’s letting out. 

“That okay, darlin’?” Bressie asks. He lets his hand drift lower until he’s pushing into him. Niall’s going to miss the natural lube when he gets his own body back, because Bressie’s finger slides smoothly in. 

“Th’condoms are in me bag,” Niall says. His legs are already starting to feel shaky. 

“I want to see you come, first,” Bressie tells him, then leans in and kisses Niall. 

Niall abruptly realises this is the first time they’ve kissed. Bressie’s being real sweet about it, gently sliding his tongue along Niall’s while still slowly working him open with his fingers. It makes Niall feel boneless, almost. It makes him feel loved. 

He whines when Bressie’s fingers pull out of him, already feeling empty, but Bressie brings them back up to his clit and rubs along the nub, and Niall loses it. He can feel his orgasm tingling from his toes to the tips of his fingers, and he gasps with the sensation. It’s better than anything he did with Harry, not that he’ll tell Harry that. 

Bressie brings his hand up, still covered with Niall’s slick, to massage at one of his tits. It feels fucking dirty and fantastic as Bressie rubs his own juices into his skin, dragging the pads of his fingers against Niall’s nipples. 

“Fuck me,” Niall says, voice breaking. “Please, god, just get in me, Bres.” 

“Shit,” Bressie curses, then his weight alongside him is gone, leaving Niall feeling cold and empty. Niall props himself up on his elbows to see Bressie hunched over and fumbling through his bag. 

“They’re in the pocket,” Niall says. “No, the other pocket. Yeah, that’s them.” 

“I know what condoms look like,” Bressie says, mock offended. “Now move your arse, I’ve got plans.” 

“Oh, plans,” Niall teases, giving Bressie’s arse a quick pinch as he scoots off the bed. Bressie takes his place and tears open a condom with his teeth. “Show off.” 

“I’m trying to woo you here,” Bres says. “Now get on my cock.” 

“Making me do all the work, I see,” Niall laughs. “I’m not sure if I can even fit across your thighs, they’re so big.” 

“Niall,” Bressie says, voice completely serious as he rolls the condom on. “I’ve been thinking about fucking you for the last six months, and gave meself a few anxiety attacks about it. Would you please get on my dick now?” 

Niall grins as he swings his legs over Bressie’s thighs and says, “If you’re making me,” then sinks all the way down his cock. Bressie curls into himself a little, clearly not expecting it. 

“Jesus,” he breathes out, and Niall bounces up and down experimentally a few times. “Yeh’ll be the death of me, boy.” 

Niall’s really glad that he’d got off with Harry and not one of the others, because Bressie’s huge. It takes a few bounces and some shifting before it starts to feel good, then he plants his hands on Bressie’s chest and goes at it. When he’s being fucked in the arse he likes it to be slow and gentle, so he can take his time in working up a good sweat because the payout is that much sweeter. Being fucked in the cunt is different, sharper, and he loves the feeling of being slammed into, of a grueling pace that leaves the both of them winded and disheveled. 

Bressie’s not loud, and he doesn’t talk, but he grunts and groans and runs his hands across whatever skin he can reach, palming Niall’s tits before letting his hand trail down his side. Niall feels like he’s fucked open, even though he’s the one controlling everything. He fucking loves it. 

“Can you come like this?” Bressie asks after a few minutes. He has a thin sheen of sweat covering him now, and Niall takes the opportunity to lean down and lick across his clavicle. 

“Nah,” he says. “Or, maybe, I dunno, ah, I haven’t yet.” He closes his eyes and leans back a little. “You should come.” 

“I’m close,” Bressie admits. He sits up suddenly, keeping Niall steady with an arm across his back, and it somehow makes Bressie’s prick feel even bigger than before. He catches Bressie’s mouth in a fierce kiss, swallowing down his moans. 

“Shit,” Niall breathes out. Bressie thrusts hard a few more times before he comes, face squinching up and mouth dropping open. Niall feels bad laughing at his orgasm face, so he presses his lips together and buries his head into Bressie’s chest instead. 

Eventually Bressie rolls them over and slips out of him, leaving Niall feeling empty after everything. He comes back and slumps onto the bed next to Niall, instantly gathering him into his arms. 

“That okay?” Bressie asks after a few minutes, just as Niall’s started to fall asleep. 

“Great,” Niall murmurs. “Didn’t think tonight would go like this.” 

“I’d hoped,” Bressie says warmly. 

“You’d hoped I’d magically be a bird?” Niall asks incredulously. 

Bressie pulls back a little to look him directly in the eye. “Ni, I’d take you any way that you’ll have me.” 

Niall wants to do something stupid, like propose, so instead he smiles brightly and says, “Y’get sappy once you come, aye head?” 

“Shut up,” Bressie groans. He buries his head in the pillow, so his next words are a bit muffled. “Will you still be here in the morning?” 

“Got nowhere else t’go,” Niall says, “seeing as it’s my hotel room.” 

Bressie’s laugh makes something warm and calm unfurl in his stomach. 

-

He texts Bres a few weeks later; it’s one in the morning where he’s at, and at first he’s not sure what’s woken him. 

_got my cock back_ , he sends as soon as he figures it out. Well, first he shuts himself in the bathroom and gets reacquainted with his body, then he pulls out his phone to text Bressie. 

_can’t wait to see ya_ , Bressie texts back.

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is velvetuberose.tumblr.com.


End file.
